Words have power. Words can start a war or soothe a heart. They can make the most beautiful song and they can define a country. The most powerful words are the ones we say to ourselves. And over time, they can define who we are.
Knowing that words can have a great or detrimental effect on the quality of our lives and the lives of those around us, I have learned from decades of experience to be very careful with words. speak (spoken and introspective). Last year, I permanently deleted a word from my vocabulary. You will not find a repetition of this word in my published work and you will not hear me say it out loud, although I will use it here to illustrate my point.
The word is “should.”
Sticks, stones and other “s” words
The Oxford English Dictionary definition of “should” is, “Used to indicate duty, obligation, or correctness, usually when criticizing someone’s actions.” Think about that last part. Words used to criticize. It’s not useful, it doesn’t change the behavior, it reduces the value instead.
I know this firsthand, because I’m a chronic “should” user. In fact, I was constantly “should” myself to death. Whenever I feel down, the conversation in my head is, “I should have been more productive. I should have worked harder. I shouldn’t have cut the throat of that person in traffic.” That statement was a mental hammer, hitting my self-esteem until I felt small and useless.
Will it improve my driving? Or add to my bottom line? Are not. It was just a constant reminder of my failures.
So why, do any of us use this word, in the way we talk to ourselves or in our interactions with others?
Saying that to yourself reinforces the idea that you are lacking. Saying that to others implies shame and high, sometimes unrealistic, expectations. It focuses on the negative without prompting any action. In short, this statement is lethal.
The consequences of using this word in our relationships are profound. Here are just some of the unintended meanings you’re conveying when you say it to others:
I’m judging you for your actions Have you been ashamed of yourself? You are in short supply. You did not meet my (or others’) expectations
Talking this way to yourself can be even worse. It destroys your mindset, reduces your ability to set meaningful goals, and limits your potential. Negative self-talk is associated with decreased motivation and increased risk of mental health problems. You might be surprised at the real meaning behind your self-talk when using the word should:
I don’t like myself. I am not responsible for what happens next. I have no control over my actions. I was under a lot of stress and anxiety. My decision doesn’t matter.
Eliminating your vocabulary will immediately make you more empathetic towards yourself and the people you interact with. Becoming more active in the way you talk to others and especially to yourself will give you lasting joy and a greater chance of success.
Apply Habits
It’s hard to completely stop saying a word. It takes introspection and discipline, but mostly, you need a backup plan. You still need a way to communicate expectations to both yourself and others.
So, if you no longer use “should” in your language, you need to make positive choices instead.
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